Why men don’t have babies

10 Dec

It is a fact, beyond a reason of a doubt, that although men are physically stronger than women they are by far the weaker sex. Honestly, have you ever spent time with a man who has a cold? Weak!

Luckily for me (early Christmas gift from Santa, I’m sure!), I had the chance to observe the full extent of this less-than-phenomenal male phenomenon up close and in person over the last five days, since my wonderful hubby had hernia surgery. Despite the fact that he injured his groin squatting a Schwarzenegger amount of weight, my husband instantly went from tough guy to man-child in the matter of hours.

Hernia surgery is a pretty  invasive operation, but no one told me just how invasive on it was going to be. If so, I would have suggested he wait to have it until, oh say, the busiest time of the year was over. But no, he wanted to get back in the gym ASAP so we had the surgery done now. (Hmmm….the surgery to get him back in the gym is subsequently keeping me out of it. Super.)

Now, I say we because for the past five days my life has been totally consumed with caring for everyone except myself. Not too shocking because, let’s be honest, I’m a mom, so I’m pretty much used to doing everything for everyone at my house anyway. But now, my husband can’t even open a new Gatorade let alone pick up our 20 pound six month old for at least two weeks, so I am literally doing EVERYTHING. There’s no lifting, no pulling, no pushing, no repetitive motion for him for at least a month (uhh yeah, that includes sex 😦 ). I know…Total. Bummer.

Get a flat tire driving to pick up his prescription? That’s me fixing it in the Rite Aid parking lot. 

Get covered in baby puke while cooking dinner? Who really even eats al dente pasta anymore.  All mushy pasta is the new thing!

It’s raining with blowing wind but I need to go to the store? Taking the baby makes it that much better! 

Want to go to hot yoga? Can’t! Want to go to bed before midnight because you’re up at five? Can’t! Want to work out your frustration between the sheets? Can’t! Want to work out, period? Can’t!

I don’t even mind the all work/no sex play aspect of it. What I mind is how he acts like he is dying from pain while sitting on the couch, icing down his abs and poppin’ Percocets. Who are you talking to, buster? Six months ago, I had my whole abdomen opened, my organs plopped on my chest, a baby pulled out, was sown back up and then came home two days later to enjoy nursing sleep deprivation cramping motherhood  in all its glory. I’m still swollen and somewhat sore from it, but you didn’t see me asking for you to cut my food. You read that right…the man couldn’t even cut his own pork chop the other night, or wash the dish he ate it off of. Really? Suck it up, buttercup.

This is why men don’t have babies. They could never handle it. Not the 9 months of carrying a baby to term. Not the labor. Not the pushing. Not the surgery. Not the recovery and lack of recovery time. None of it. Mentally they are just not prepared to take the pain.

So go ahead guys, pride yourself on being able to bust the lug nuts off a flat tire easier than we of the fairer sex, bench a gratuitous amount of weight in the gym, or carry all our groceries from the car to the house in one fell swoop, but we women know the truth: a trip to the hospital is kryptonite to your strength and a true test of ours.


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